My clarinet teacher used to tell me, “You’re so talented, but nobody would ever know that.” Or, some variation on that message.
I think this was a compliment, but also a comment at my lack of confidence in myself. Josh and I recently had a conversation about this, too. He mentioned that the reason that I don’t receive as much recognition as my colleagues is probably because I don’t draw attention to the things that I do. And, it’s true. I don’t draw attention to what I’m doing, I mostly hide. And, I mostly hide because maybe I fear criticism more than I long for praise.
Josh mentioned this again when I was sharing an idea that I had. He encouraged me to tell the other people involved, but I told him I didn’t want to. I told him that I’d rather him just suggest it. And, he brought back to my mind the words of my clarinet teacher. He told me that nobody will ever know of the good ideas that I have unless I’m the one sharing them.
But, I mostly want to hide. It’s safer to hide.
Growing up, my family thought that I was the loud, outgoing one. But, I always remember being the quiet girl at school. I was quiet because I was scared of other people and what they might think of me. I was quiet because I was scared to be wrong. I was quiet because it took so much energy and nerve to speak out.
I’m not always quiet, but it is a comfy, security blanket that I often pull over me when I get scared or tired. When I get scared, I get quiet.
I don’t think being quiet is a bad thing. I think there is strength in being quiet. Susan Cain delivered a powerful TED talk about this idea of the power of introverts. She has also written a book about this concept. She gives way to affirming the style of thinking, processing, and connecting that an introvert has juxtaposed to a world that is made for extroverts.
I don’t think that being quiet is bad thing, and I don’t know that my talents remaining hidden or out of the spotlight is necessarily a bad thing. I don’t want to share my ideas, talents, or gifts for the sake of recognition. I also don’t want to hide them for the fear of criticism. And, I certainly don’t want to be in a state of hiding that the ideas, talents, and gifts that I have are not maximized to their full potential.
I think that there is a way to use my quietness as a strength, but I’m just not sure what that looks like yet. What do you think?